Question:

I have read your book on Total Forgiveness four times since my divorce a little over a year ago.  It has helped me so much and I have recommended it to  many of my new friends and acquaintances who find themselves in my same situation -divorced when we never thought we would or wanted to be here.  I have a question that I have been praying about and just can't seem to get an answer to.  I have come to a place where there is no churning and we can talk to each other about our four children and their needs easily.  I have given the whole situation to God and don't lecture to ex or to myself or friends about him anymore. I have asked forgiveness from God and my ex for the damage I caused when I found out about the depth of his and our situation. We have been divorced a little over a year.  The problems that lead to the divorce are still very much a part of him and make me sad to see him deeper into his deception.  I do pray for him.  His ways are not godly, although he has somehow convinced himself that he is ok with God because of continuing grace.  Because of his lifestyle,  I prefer not to be around him unless it is necessary due to school activities, etc.  He would like to be good friends and me be good friends with his girlfriend.  Can I forgive and choose not to be good friends but just friendly when we have to be somewhere together and is this ok?  I feel that he (my ex) is the one making me feel guilty and not the Holy Spirit.  Whenever my ex has convinced me that we need to be together somewhere, he usually says something or does something that I have to forgive. I feel that God is saying to me that I can forgive, but I don't have to place myself in the position to be hurt anymore. Do you practice "tough love" like James Dobson in negative situations? Am I right or wrong? Thank you for your wonderful teaching!

Answer :

First, you recall that in my book Total Forgiveness I say that total forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. This is very important. You don’t have to be reconciled to someone to prove you have totally forgiven them. So the answer to the first question you put is = Yes, you can forgive and choose not to be good friends. Secondly, it is probably true that the guilt you feel is pseudo guilt and not from the Holy Spirit. Perhaps you know that the sequel to this book is called How to Forgive Ourselves – Totally (Charisma House – Totally Forgiving Ourselves in UK with Hodder & Stoughton), and I go at length to show the difference between true guilt and pseudo guilt. I can’t of course say whether you are ‘right or wrong’ because I don’t have all the details, but Dr. Dobson’s concept of ‘tough love’ is probably applicable in your situation.

R T Kendall.